


Perhaps Words

by viennajones



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Broken Engagement, Cheating, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6595000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viennajones/pseuds/viennajones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur wasn’t as excited about marriage as other people. This didn't make him a cynic who believed that all marriages were doomed to fail, but it had simply never been anywhere near the top of his life achievements list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perhaps Words

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [10 to 0 (it's always been you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5756653) by [sweetiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetiejelly/pseuds/sweetiejelly). 



> I was delighted to work with this very sweet and inspiring story that immediately spoke to me and begged to be expanded a little, and be told from Arthur’s point of view. I highly recommend sweetiejelly’s original and hope that this remix complements it well.
> 
> Lots of love to my lovely betas, Nympha_Alba and kalimero, who helped me whip my words into shape and improved everything. Any remaining blunders are mine.
> 
> And thank you, dear mods, for hosting remix again!

For someone who had, over the course of his life, given zero thought to what his wedding might look like and consequently had equally low expectations for it, Arthur was feeling decidedly underwhelmed. His prior exposure to those who were about to tie the knot was limited to his friends Lancelot and Leon, both of whom Arthur had accompanied through the process.

Lance had been a man so perfectly content and secure in the knowledge that he was marrying the love of his life, Arthur had felt a strong urge to punch him in the face to knock his level of bliss down just a notch. Leon, in turn, had been nervous and brimming with anticipation for days, but the moment he had laid eyes on his bride, he returned to being the ever calm and level-headed person Arthur had known since pre-school.

Glancing at Mordred, who was walking next to him up a winding cobble-stone pathway to the entirely charming little inn they’d picked out as the venue, Arthur could see a man overjoyed at the thought that the thing he’d been impatiently awaiting for months was finally within his reach. At this time tomorrow, they would already be enjoying the delicious menu they’d composed together with the owner of a small local restaurant, and listening to embarrassing toasts given by their family and friends.

“Isn’t it beautiful, Arthur?” Mordred asked. He had slipped his hand into Arthur’s and was squeezing it, hard. They had stopped in front of the old fountain in the middle of a semi-circular courtyard. The gurgling sound of water, as it was slowly being returned to its basin through the mouths of friendly-looking dragon figurines, was a constant soothing sound in their otherwise peacefully silent surroundings.

“I couldn’t imagine a place more perfect to get married,” Arthur replied and pulled Mordred in for a long kiss. He was overcompensating for the lack of enthusiasm he felt and he didn’t want Mordred to know it. Perhaps it was not surprising that Arthur wasn’t as excited about marriage as other people. There was the small matter of same-sex marriage not having been an option until very recently, and the ugly business of his father’s infidelity and the painful divorce that had followed. It hadn’t made him a cynic who believed that all marriages were doomed to fail, but it had simply never been anywhere near the top of his life achievements list.

“Alright lovebirds, keep moving along!”

Merlin’s voice carried from where he was standing at the end of the pathway, dragging not only his own luggage, but Arthur’s as well. Arthur had completely forgotten to get it out of the car because Mordred had been so eager to see the house, in spite of having been there before. Arthur quickly disentangled himself from Mordred’s embrace and walked over to relieve Merlin of his burden.

“Thank you,” Arthur said as he took hold of his suitcase and carefully placed the clothing bag holding his tux over his shoulder. Merlin had been the perfect best man from the moment Arthur had told him about the wedding and Arthur was glad about the choice he’d made, although both Leon and Lance had jokingly cried betrayal of the highest order. The fact was, they would have never saved Arthur from spending hours going over wedding details with Mordred and his mother, like Merlin had. They certainly wouldn’t have thrown him a stag night that was exactly what Arthur had wanted. They probably also wouldn’t have forced him to spend quite as much time and money on the perfect tux, but not even Morgana had been able to do anything but gawp at how handsome Arthur looked wearing it.

“No problem,” Merlin said, a little out of breath still, and started walking again. Mordred’s parents had also arrived and his mother was already by his side, gesticulating wildly while doubtlessly going through all the decorations that would be put in place for tomorrow’s ceremony. Morgause was a woman with refined tastes who left nothing to chance and always found imperfections to work on, even in a place as utterly lovely as The Camlann Inn.

“They’ll start setting up the arch and seating this afternoon, and the flowers will arrive early tomorrow morning. I’ll make sure everyone’s settled into their rooms so we can all enjoy the welcome cocktail later. Now, you and Mordred have adjoining rooms, but since he insists that you will not be spending the night together, the connecting door has been locked.”

Arthur couldn’t help but snort at that. The notion that a groom should not see his bride the night before the wedding had always seemed ridiculous to him and besides, it was a phony thing to do for people who had done a fair amount of fucking before they decided to get married.

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him that suggested what Merlin thought of Mordred’s ideas, as well as warning Arthur to keep his reactions in check.

“My room’s number one, so you know where to find me in case there is anything you need, my phone is fully charged and the number has been distributed to all the guests, and I have the rings, even though you did not remind me of bringing them like you said you would.”

They had reached the entrance and Arthur turned around, shielding his eyes against the bright sunlight, to watch the rest of the wedding party slowly make its way up to the house. Most of the guests had been invited by Mordred, on account of his mother’s wishes to include everyone in the family. Arthur’s list had been short from the very beginning, and he had stood his ground when it came to not inviting his father.

“You could make a lot of money as a wedding planner,” Arthur said, turning back to Merlin with a grin. He wasn’t actually sure that Merlin had enjoyed his part in this over the last few months, but nobody had forced him to go so far beyond what was conventionally expected of a best man. It had certainly made Arthur’s life easier.

“I probably should have said this at least a thousand times by now, but I really appreciate everything you’ve done. I probably would've snapped over all the pie-tasting and picking of flower arrangements if it weren’t for you.”

“But you would also like me to know that if I ever get married, I should totally pick Will to be my best man, at least if I’m hoping to get anything more than someone to clap me on the shoulder when I get cold feet?”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought I would have to break that to you gently when the day finally came,” Arthur said. He laughed when Merlin rolled his eyes, muttering something about his ass of a best friend as he went inside to check in and make sure no last minute problems had arisen with their lodgings, leaving Arthur alone to meet everyone who would soon be part of his family-in-law.

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, a few minor crises had been nipped in the bud by Merlin, who quickly convinced Gwaine and Elyan to share a room in order to accommodate for Mordred’s aunt, who had forgotten to send her RSVP, and saved said aunt from choking on a nut by stepping in to Heimlich her.

All guests were having a delightful time being served welcome cocktails in the inn’s slightly wild garden, where small round tables and chairs had been set up in the half-shade provided for by a pair of magnolia trees. Arthur’s friends were doing their best to mingle with Mordred’s family, operating in teams so that no one would get caught in awkward small talk on their own. He could see Lance and Gwen surrounded by a group of women who were doting on baby Tom, and Mithian had linked her arm with Percy’s as if she was afraid that someone would separate them and she would be stranded talking to Cenred, who was more than a little creepy.

Arthur had found himself attached to Mordred’s side, making polite conversation with his closer relatives, until Mordred had asked him if he could check why the photographer hadn’t shown up yet by whispering in his ear and kissing his cheek afterward, which elicited proclamations of their adorableness from all sides. Arthur had quickly taken his leave, glad to have a reason that allowed him a few minutes of peace.

Since he had no idea where to find the photographer, he went looking for Merlin instead. It was beyond Arthur why a professional photographer had to be present for this unofficial part of the wedding at all, but Mordred had insisted that they would cherish having the memories some day and Arthur had resisted the urge to tell him that by definition, memories existed in the mind and not on USB sticks filled with glossy professional photographs.

He found Merlin after a little while. He was talking on his phone and from the side of the conversation that Arthur could hear, Merlin was already working on getting the photographer to where she needed to be. After giving her a few directions and reassuring her that the delay was not a tragedy, Merlin hung up and let the phone slip in his pocket.

“The photographer is going to be here in a few minutes. So what else has gone wrong and needs fixing?” Merlin asked.

“You already fixed it, actually. Mordred wanted me to see if I could find that photographer, but I think it’s safe to say that I should wait here with you until she actually arrives,” Arthur said.

“Oh, come on. They can’t be that bad!”

Merlin gave him a stern look when Arthur grimaced, but he didn’t make him go back to Mordred and the most boring small talk Arthur had ever been forced to endure in his life, which was saying a lot, considering who his father was and how many events invented for nothing but meaningless conversations he had made Arthur and Morgana attend.

“You have spent too much time with Morgause, I think your benchmark for ‘not that bad’ has shifted significantly.”

Arthur saw his future mother-in-law looking their way and quickly put an arm around Merlin’s shoulder to navigate him in the opposite direction. Merlin didn’t offer any resistance because he too had seen Morgause, who he openly acknowledged was intimidating and mean.

“Okay, let’s disappear for a bit, I think we’ve both earned a break. We can wait for the photographer up front, just to make sure she doesn’t get lost on her way to the garden,” Merlin said.

The chatter from the party began to fade away and was a distant noise in the background when they reached the front of the house, where Merlin immediately sat down on the steps leading up to the entrance, stretching his long legs out in front of him. He had probably been on his feet non-stop since he’d gotten out of his car this morning.

Arthur settled down next to him and looked at the transformation the courtyard had undergone since. A dark green carpet was laid out leading away from the stairs they were currently occupying, through an aisle flanked by brilliant white chairs, to a wooden arch of the same color. The wood was decorated with intricate carvings and nicely framed the fountain behind it.

“No pre-wedding jitters yet, huh?” Merlin asked, his gaze following Arthur’s.

Arthur leaned back on his elbows and shook his head.

“I don’t see a reason to be nervous here, Merlin. I highly doubt that anything will go wrong, and if it does, I’ll have you there to fix it, right?”

“Obviously.” He paused, then said, “But I thought you’d be different today. You don’t seem excited at all, and while I don’t think Mordred has noticed, I’m a little hurt here. All of this,” he stretched out his hand to point at the scene in front of them, “was a lot of work, you know.”

“Merlin, you and I both know I’m doing this because it makes Mordred happy. I would have preferred a quick trip down to city hall, but that’s okay. Getting married makes sense, I’m just reluctant to buy into the romanticizing of it all. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that this is going to be a beautiful wedding.”

“Fair enough,” Merlin said. Arthur could sense that he didn’t agree, but accepted Arthur’s opinion. He might have said more and turned this into an open discussion of the pros and cons of marriage in general, but they could see a woman carrying photography equipment coming up to the house now, and got up to greet her.

“Hi, I’m Elena,” she introduced herself and set her bag down to tuck her wild, blond hair back behind her hears first, then to shake both their hands. “I am terribly sorry about the delay, my phone gave me the wrong directions! You must be the happy couple! Actually, would you mind sitting down on those steps again? That was a great shot, you know, the grooms taking it all in without anyone else around, and the light is just perfect at the moment.”

Arthur blinked at her, suddenly at a loss for words, because Elena had reminded him of a few things he deliberately never thought about, to the point where he had almost tricked himself into forgetting about them altogether. Luckily, Merlin was quick to laugh and shake his head.

“Oh no, I’m the best man, Merlin. We spoke on the phone. If you give me a few minutes, I’ll go and get Mordred, though,” he said cheerfully and disappeared back around the house to fetch the actual groom.

Arthur was glad that Elena’s bubbly personality allowed him to get a grip again while she kept stumbling over her own words, marveling at how beautiful the location was, how great everything would look with the flower decorations and the morning sunlight and how determined she was to give them the best wedding shots possible.

She only stopped talking when Merlin and Mordred approached three minutes later, at which point she quietly said, “Oh.”

Arthur understood her reaction. Everyone with eyes could see that he had a type, but at least it was his secret that Merlin was the blueprint for it, the ideal version that nobody could ever live up to. It was painfully obvious to him in this moment, when he saw his fiancé and his best man walking up to him and Elena. He couldn’t shake the impression from his mind over the following half hour of posing for pictures with Mordred, but not for lack of trying.

 

* * *

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I give up,” Arthur exclaimed and sat down on the bed, looking at the complete chaos he and Leon had wrought searching every inch of his room for the envelope that contained Arthur’s vows. He could have sworn he’d put them in the front pocket of his suitcase, but they were nowhere to be found, and they’d been looking for over an hour on the off chance that Arthur had unpacked and misplaced them somewhere.

“I’ll ask you again now: why don’t you just write new ones?” Leon asked. He was leaning against the bathroom door, his arms crossed in front of his chest and Arthur knew he would not be able to brush the question away again.

“It took me four days to get them right, Leon.”

He knew he made it sound as though he had ached over every word to ensure it was perfect, knew he implied that he had wanted to make them special and meaningful. The truth of the matter was, it had taken him so long only because he hadn’t been able to focus on his task and had found distractions at every turn. Whenever he’d written something, it had sounded hollow and bland, as if he’d pulled a generic set of vows from the internet and mashed them together into a single awful farce of a declaration of love.

“Go talk to Merlin, then. He probably snuck into your apartment to make a copy and bring it with him, because he’s accounted for pretty much everything that could potentially derail this wedding. He’ll have a solution for this.”

Arthur groaned. Of course the thought of enlisting Merlin’s help had occurred to him, but it was incompatible with Arthur’s plan of avoiding his best friend for as long as possible, to make sure that the feelings he’d been squashing down since this afternoon remained squashed. He would have fired Elena for bringing them back in the first place, were it not for the fact that she was so delightful.

“Alright, I’ll go ask,” Arthur finally said. He was out of options and knew he’d have no answer if Leon started questioning his reluctance to involve Merlin in this.

Merlin’s room was about as far away from the honeymoon suite as possible and it took Arthur five minutes to get there. It was enough time for him to convince himself that he absolutely didn’t need Merlin’s help after all and that writing new vows was a much better solution, especially since Arthur didn’t actually believe that Merlin would have gone to such lengths as to steal the vows. When he arrived, he saw that the door was slightly ajar and he could hear Merlin talking.

“I still need to call the florist and remind them to arrive on time tomorrow and I should probably also tell the cook again that Mordred is highly allergic to nuts. Wouldn’t want him to go into anaphylactic shock just because there’s traces of nuts in something.”

To Arthur’s surprise it was Merlin’s mother who answered.

“Merlin, why on Earth are you doing all this? I still don’t understand it and I am quite certain that it is not good for you.” Hunith’s voice was full of concern and Arthur suddenly remembered Merlin’s flimsy excuse for why she would not be able to attend the wedding, when she had been almost like a mother to Arthur in the first years after Ygraine’s passing. He crept closer to the door, careful not to make a sound, all thoughts of his vows momentarily forgotten. Looking through the small gap, he could see Merlin sitting in front of his laptop, its screen filled by Hunith’s face and her comfortable kitchen in the background.

“Mom, please don’t.”

“I just wish you could help me understand why you are torturing yourself so, Merlin. I know he’s also your best friend, but you could have just been his best man and even that would have been more than anyone could have expected of you. You didn’t have to go and plan Arthur’s wedding from start to finish.”

Merlin moved a little closer to the screen at that, his head now blocking out Hunith’s face.

“No, Mom, that’s exactly what I needed to do. I had to make sure that he’d go through with it and that nothing would happen to stop this wedding. I need Arthur to marry Mordred because it’s the only thing I can think of that will finally make me stop loving him. I need him to truly be someone else’s, for good, and then maybe I can move on.”

Arthur didn’t hear the rest of the conversation. He was acutely aware of his blood rushing through his veins and his heart beating against his chest so hard it almost hurt. He remembered a party he’d thrown at his father’s mansion when he was fifteen, hormonal and had only recently realized that he was gay. He remembered dancing with Gwaine and feeling Merlin’s gaze on them, jealousy burning in his eyes, and that he’d asked Merlin to dance with him next, and how he’d almost kissed him that night. But then Merlin had gone on to date Gwaine and Arthur had concluded that it had never been him Merlin wanted at all.

Of course at that point, Arthur was already in love with his best friend and had silently watched as Merlin and Gwaine fell apart because Gwaine was an idiot. He’d stood by as Merlin found his next boyfriend who was never good enough for him in Arthur’s eyes and decided he had to save the world working for Doctors Without Borders, leaving Merlin heartbroken. In the meantime, Arthur had fucked a lot of guys with unruly dark hair, sharp cheekbones and blue eyes, until he met Mordred, who somehow managed to make Arthur want to stick around.

Everything inside the room had gone quiet for a while, as Merlin had ended the Skype call with his mother. He was now talking to the florist but his voice sounded a little weird, as though he was choking back tears.

A very small voice in Arthur’s head screamed at him to stop, to turn around, that he couldn’t possibly do this to Mordred, who was kind and loving. It was already being drowned out by a very different voice that told him otherwise. When Merlin hung up the phone, Arthur waited for a few seconds longer and then knocked on the door.

“What’s going on now – oh, Arthur, it’s you.” Merlin had opened the door and was standing in front of him, phone still in hand, his eyes slightly red from where he might have rubbed at them.

“Everything okay? Please tell me no one has dropped the cake.” Merlin looked positively terrified at the thought and Arthur was quick to shake his head.

“No, the cake is fine. Can I come in for a second? I need – there’s something I need to figure out.”

That had seemed like a good plan, but once Merlin had made some room and Arthur had closed the door behind him, he was at a loss as to what he actually wanted to say. Merlin was looking at him expectantly and every second that ticked by made the silence between them more charged. Arthur’s eyes focused in on Merlin’s lips. Perhaps words were not the best option he had here.

“Arthur, what’s going on-“

Merlin stopped speaking abruptly because Arthur closed the distance between them in a few quick strides and placed his hands on either side of Merlin’s face, tracing his thumb along Merlin’s cheek for a moment to give him the option to pull away.

When Merlin leaned into the touch, Arthur didn’t hesitate any longer. He pressed their lips together and found that Merlin’s were soft and fit against his perfectly, that Merlin’s body was a solid weight against his own, anchoring him, that Merlin’s fingertips were leaving traces on his skin that he never wanted to live without.

Arthur wasn’t much of a romantic. He didn’t believe in soulmates or true love narratives. In fact, he was fairly certain that there was a fair number of guys that he would be perfectly compatible with and with whom he could be having a happy life, and he probably wouldn’t even have to leave the country to find a few of them. Mordred was among them.

Still, and for the first time in his life, the thought of ever finding happiness with anyone other than Merlin seemed like a cruel joke. There was nobody in the world that Arthur knew better or trusted more and when he’d still been under the impression that friendship was all he would ever have with Merlin, that would have somehow been enough. But now having more had miraculously become an option, and Arthur was not going to let it slip away.

 

* * *

 

There was forceful knock and Merlin retreated quickly, looking at Arthur with wide eyes that were full of confusion and hope and regret.

“Merlin, I-,“ he began to say, but he was cut off by Morgana entering the room. Arthur loved his sister dearly and yet in that moment, he would have gladly pushed her off a cliff for interrupting.

“Merlin, there you are. Morgause is looking for you and she seems pissed off. You need to go talk to her right the fuck now,” Morgana said in a rush. It was a testament to how truly scary Morgause could be that she had managed to somehow make Morgana fetch someone for her.

Arthur saw suspicion flicker across her features when Merlin, who was still staring at Arthur, didn’t react at all. Morgana was terribly perceptive and Merlin had momentarily lost what little skill of perception he harbored.

“Merlin?” Morgana asked and managed to get his attention this time.

“Yes, sorry. I’m- do you know what Morgause needs?” He finally managed to look away from Arthur to see Morgana shake his head. Merlin cursed under his breath and, after a second of hesitation and another quick glance at Arthur, rushed out of the room.

Arthur breathed out audibly and sat down on the bed. Any hope he had of getting a moment to think vanished as soon as Morgana fixed him with her glare. Morgause had sent the only person who could always tell when he was hiding something.

“You fucked up,” Morgana said matter-of-factly.

“I kissed him.” Arthur couldn’t help the smile that touched his lips at the thought.

“Of course you did.” With a sigh, Morgana joined him where he was sitting at the end of the bed. Arthur looked at her a little bewildered. She gave him a small smile and took his hand.

“You might have everyone else fooled, but I had a feeling that you were settling for something less than what you actually wanted. I just had no idea that what you wanted was Merlin.”

 “I never knew that he wanted me, too.”

Morgana nodded and was silent for a little while.

“You don’t know this, but I almost didn’t marry Leon. The night you threw his bachelor party, I packed my bags, left a note on the nightstand and I was already in the elevator when it hit me. That I was running away from the best man I have ever known and that I was willing to settle for someone who wasn’t him, only because I was scared of what it would do to me if I ever lost him. And I was still going to run because I wasn’t brave enough until I got to my goddamn car and he was just _there_.”

It was a rare thing to see tears in Morgana’s eyes and Arthur didn’t know what to say. He thought about all the years he’d spent loving Merlin, despite all efforts not to love him, without ever saying a word. And Merlin, loving him back for long enough at least that he needed to finally get over Arthur and had decided that ensuring Arthur married another man was the way to do it.

Mordred.

“Fuck,” Arthur said, staring at his hand, belatedly realizing that Morgana was slowly turning the engagement band on his ring finger.

 

* * *

 

As much as Arthur wanted to wait for Merlin to return and to explain himself, to make him understand exactly what Arthur had meant by kissing him, he also needed to talk to Mordred. As someone who was usually good with words, Arthur knew very well that there existed no right way to phrase certain things and make them less terrible.

There were no words in the world that made what he was about to say to Mordred okay.

It took him six tries to even convince Mordred that there was something so urgent to discuss that it was absolutely more important than his wish that they would not see each other the night before the wedding. Even though Arthur had just blatantly disregarded something that was so important to him, Mordred still smiled at him fondly when Arthur stepped into his room, because he had no idea that Arthur was about to break his heart.

“This had better be more than a booty call, Arthur Pendragon, or I might just cancel the honeymoon to punish you for being so needy,” Mordred said jokingly.

Arthur hadn’t even thought of the honeymoon and he needed to rip off the band aid right now.

“I kissed Merlin,” he said, and thought that this was probably how fighter pilots felt when they dropped devastating payloads from high up in the skies, far enough away not to see the destruction they brought about at the press of a button. The difference was that Arthur did not have the luxury of adjusting course and returning to home base. He had to stick around for the fallout.

Mordred was caught so completely off guard he didn’t even seem very angry. Confusion, more than anything, was written across his features, and he looked at Arthur for some sort of clarification, because he didn’t fully understand what that meant, yet. The courage to tell him left Arthur momentarily.

“You…okay. When was this?” Mordred asked, as if it mattered, as if he might forgive Arthur if only enough time had lapsed between the moment of betrayal and this.

“Just before I came here. It just happened.”

He could see that Mordred still didn’t understand and Arthur knew he wouldn’t be able to stand it if he started making excuses for Arthur, tried to brush this away because he loved him and wanted nothing more than to get married tomorrow. Mordred had always put him on a pedestal and whenever Arthur made a misstep, Mordred found a way to make it wider and keep him there. He never called Arthur out on his shit. He had no idea how awful Arthur could be sometimes, when he was in a bad mood, all the ways in which he could be ignorant and harsh because he didn’t think, the darkness that his father brought out in him, because Mordred refused to see it. Arthur would have to make him.

“I am so very sorry I’m doing this, but I am not going to marry you, Mordred.”

“What?” Mordred asked, but Arthur could see that realization was finally dawning, confusion making way for something very different. Mordred’s face was white, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. What else could he do now but apologize for making such a mess of things? There was no way to unmake any of it and it wasn’t fair. Mordred did not deserve this, to suffer because Arthur had been too stupid and scared of the risk that came with telling the person he loved how he felt. Merlin had played his own part in that, but Merlin had never agreed to marry someone else. He was not to blame for the pain Arthur was causing. Merlin was a much better man than Arthur.

“You’re sorry? My god, Arthur. I had so many doubts in the beginning. I always thought that there was something between you and him. And then seven months in you gave me a key to your place and I thought that maybe I was wrong. And then Lance introduced him to that doctor and I convinced myself that you were just friends. And then you said yes…why did you even say yes?”

Mordred had retreated, his arms wrapped around his chest as if he was keeping himself from falling apart in front of Arthur. Arthur could see the hurt on his features and he truly felt sorry for being the cause of it. He remembered the day Mordred had proposed. Arthur had said yes partly because they had been together for a while and getting married made sense, but also because he did love Mordred and knew that it would make him happy. Even in hindsight, those didn’t seem like terrible reasons for agreeing to marry someone.

“Did you even love me?” Mordred asked, because Arthur hadn’t reacted to his previous question. There were tears in his eyes now, although Arthur couldn’t tell whether they were fueled by anger, pain, or both.

“Of course, Mordred. I’m not so terrible a person that I’d marry someone I didn’t love. Of course I love you, and I could still marry you and I even think that we would be happy together, but I don’t want that. I wish it had never come to this, that I’d realized I could be with Merlin earlier, but I didn’t. I know it isn’t fair, but I owe it to myself and him to see what we can be. I’ve loved him too much for too long not to try.”

Wet streaks were visible on Mordred’s cheeks now. He was shaking, but when Arthur reached out with his hand, Mordred took a step back. There was no more comfort that Arthur could offer him.

“Leave.” Mordred choked the word out before he turned around so he would no longer have to see Arthur, or so that Arthur would not be privy to the destruction he had caused.

There was nothing left to say or do, other than to at least let Mordred fall apart on his own terms. Arthur left.

 

* * *

 

Merlin was not in his room, or the kitchen, or in any of the other eight places Arthur went looking for him. Arthur would have tried to call him, but of course his phone had died. On his way back to his room, he ran into Leon who took him by the arm and pulled him in the opposite direction.

“Leon, let go. I need to charge my phone and call Merlin.”

“Yes, Morgana told me what happened. But Merlin left and I think Morgause will scratch your eyes out if she finds you, and that’s an optimistic guess. I have no idea what you think you’re doing, but you can’t go to your room right now,” Leon said, and kept pulling Arthur with him until they were outside, away from prying eyes and ears. Arthur stopped resisting, too busy trying to figure out his next move. He needed to talk to Merlin, but Merlin was gone. He’d left.

Arthur knew Merlin. He knew what was going through his head right now, the places his mind would go. He needed to get to him to make sure Merlin understood.

“Do you know where he went?” Arthur asked.

“No, he didn’t say, but he took his car. I’m assuming he’s going back to the city. Judging by the look on his face, he might also be booking a plane ticket to somewhere very far away while he’s driving.”

Leon looked at Arthur and shook his head. “This isn’t like you at all, Arthur. Are you sure you want to do this? I never even knew you had feelings for Merlin.”

Arthur took a second to breathe because his head was spinning. He looked at the wedding scene set up where they were standing in front of the inn. In the failing light, the brilliant white of the chairs and the arch had turned into a dull grey. The fountain had been turned off and Arthur realized that even in the light of day, none of this even closely resembled what he wanted.

“If this was your wedding and you’d just found out that you had a shot at being with Morgana instead of getting married to someone else, what would you do?”

Leon sighed but Arthur could see that he understood.

“Take my car,” Leon said, handing the keys to Arthur. After a second, Arthur realized that they had taken Mordred’s car to get here, and that taking it was out of the question now.

“Thank you, Leon. I’ll talk to you soon.”

He nearly tripped and fell when his foot caught on one of the cobble stones as he sprinted towards the car. Finding his balance just in time, he slowed down a little and reminded himself to keep a level head. All he had to do now was find Merlin.

He tried his best to keep himself from speeding as he made his way back to the city. Leon’s car was brand new and practically invited him to step on the gas, but wrapping it around a tree wouldn’t help matters much. He was getting more nervous with every mile that he was getting closer to the city. What if Merlin hadn’t gone back to his apartment? What if he’d gone to Will’s, or even worse, decided to drive to his mother’s place all the way up north?

Arthur didn’t even have the keys to his and Mordred’s apartment on him. Actually, he didn’t even have his wallet, so if he didn’t find Merlin, he would probably have to sleep in Leon’s car. And thinking about their shared apartment, Arthur realized that there were a lot of things that he would still have to sort out with Mordred. He pushed the thought aside.

It was nine p.m. when he arrived in Camelot and got stuck in traffic because of an accident. It took the police forever to reroute everyone. Drumming his fingers on the wheel, Arthur noticed the engagement ring he was still wearing. He looked at it for a long moment, the guilt he felt over everything he had put Mordred through returning, before he slipped it off his finger and put it in the glove compartment.

By the time Arthur finally made it to the apartment building Merlin lived in, he didn’t waste a single second before he got out of the car. Merlin’s next-door neighbor was just leaving the building and, recognizing Arthur, held the door for him. Arthur sprinted up the stairs and only allowed himself a brief moment to catch his breath before he knocked on the door. The rhythm he and Merlin had agreed on years ago was muscle memory by now.

It took a few seemingly endless moments before Arthur heard footsteps approaching the door. When it opened, Arthur could only look at Merlin. He looked nervous and a little lost. At this point, he had probably spent too much time wondering what Arthur had meant by kissing him, what it meant for the wedding and their friendship. Somehow, Arthur’s world had been set to rights the moment he realized Merlin loved him and all he wanted now was to make Merlin understand that Arthur’s heart was his if he would take it.

As soon as Merlin stepped aside to let Arthur in, Arthur had him crowded up against the wall, because his words failed him in face of the desire to feel Merlin’s lips on his again. But before he could do anything, Merlin pushed him away.

“What are we doing?” he asked. Perhaps words were necessary now.

“Mordred knows. I told him about the kiss, and I told him that I won’t marry him, because I have feelings for you.”

The resistance of Merlin’s hand against his chest disappeared. Instead, Merlin pulled him back in, eyes wide, lips trembling.

“Are you sure?” Merlin asked, and said it again, that he loved Arthur, had loved him for so long. Arthur couldn’t resist the need to press a kiss to Merlin’s lips before giving him the answer he deserved.

“In my entire life, I have never been more certain about anything. If I’d known before tonight that there was even the slightest chance, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. I’m just glad you told me you loved me before it was too late.”

Merlin’s face was smiling, but a little confused.

“I overheard you talking to your mother. That’s why I kissed you, because how could I not? I love you, Merlin. I love you.”

Arthur could see the moment Merlin understood. There was another tug and at last he could claim Merlin’s lips, ensuring that his words became something Merlin would always know to be true.

 

***

 

One morning, Arthur woke up to find Merlin in bed next to him, his reading glasses perched precariously close to the tip of his nose, reading a new book from the ever growing pile on his nightstand. Kilgharrah was curled up in a ball at the foot of the bed, enjoying the sunlight coming in through the half-opened curtains.

Arthur still hadn’t given too much thought to this whole marriage thing, but he had known that Merlin was the person he’d wanted to marry for the past ten years. It had somehow become this thing that he knew he was going to do, but never gotten around to actually doing. He knew a guy at city hall who would probably be able to get them a license and an appointment quickly, and they had both taken the week off from work with loose plans to visit Hunith for a few days.

So that morning, he rolled over, sat up and pressed a kiss to the spot just behind Merlin’s ear that always managed to get him Merlin’s attention. Merlin held up a finger as he always did, and finished reading the paragraph before he put the book down and turned his head towards Arthur with a smile.

“Good morning, love,” he said.

Morgana helped them pick out rings that same day and they were married the next. After, they had lunch with everyone at their favorite restaurant, where Gwaine made all the runaway groom jokes he’d been holding off on for far too long. They headed to Ealdor for a short honeymoon consisting of eating Hunith’s delicious food and spending an embarrassing amount of time entangled in bed.

Arthur, for his part, still didn’t understand the big deal that everyone else made of weddings. Marriage didn’t change how deeply he felt for Merlin or the single plan he had made very early into their relationship, which saw him and Merlin growing old together in a quiet town by the sea. And yet, for that brief time between the moment Merlin said yes and their small, private wedding, Arthur felt that curious mixture of blissful happiness and nervous anticipation, too.

 


End file.
